I have always wanted four kids. It is a nice, even number. However, wouldn't you know it, I married a man that wanted two children. I suppose that it is a nice, even number for some people. Well, we have three kids, two sons and a daughter. We compromised! Truth be known, ever since our third miracle was born, I held out hope for another blessing. I kept telling myself it was a long shot. Hope was still alive, though. I even began to pray for God to take away this desire for another or change my husband's mind.
You know what, neither occurred. My heart still has a desire that I am beginning to accept that will never be fulfilled. For the longest time, I wondered if God was ever going to answer. He has in an unexpected manner. A lesson, at times a very difficult lesson to grasp, has been learned. I love it when God uses our circumstances to teach a profound lesson, or two.
Now, before I carry on, let me mention I do understand the basic principles of being a godly wife. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I practice the principles well always. Submission to my husband hasn't been the easiest thing for me to pick up on in my walk. In fact, it has been the most difficult principle for me to train myself to do. I am sure he can attest that I have made significant progress. However, I am a sinner and fall very short of God's standards. I also thank God for the grace He supplies every day, for every day I slip up in one way or another.
One day last fall it became very apparent my dream was dead. My husband is content with the three children. But, oh, I hurt. It was grief that I could have avoided. Over the years I could have released my hope and shut out any thought of having another child. Instead, I allowed myself to get emotionally attached to something that had very little potential to come to fruition. Maybe, I should have accepted the facts and respected my husband's wishes more than my own. Talk about conviction. What it boils down to is RESPECT!!! I chose not to love my husband the way God calls wives to love. Proverbs 12:4 exhorts women, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." I certainly can confess I was not having a shining moment. I was tarnished.
During the course of the last few months the Spirit has brought to my attention the need to find contentment in all circumstances. In many situations I am content for I see the Father's hand in our lives. However, this time I was choosing to listen to my emotions, rather than the Word. This situation I created still fell under the umbrella of "all circumstances."
Further, I was asked was I going to permit my feelings to cloud my perception so that I missed out on the day at hand? God's glory surrounds us. What more do I need when I have him? When the birds are chirping and the kids are playing, discovering and learning about the world surrounding them I need to be right there beside them, guiding, nurturing and loving on them. The children I have been blessed with are growing up before my eyes. They are only under my care and direct influence for so long, am I willing to turn the other way and miss that window of opportunity?
Finally, I know God heard every prayer I uttered, whispered and cried. They all reached his ears. Mental acceptance of circumstances that are not to our liking can come as soon as we will to do it. Some people are quick to dismiss a woman's feelings and just tell her to obey her husband and that's that. Yes, women are to obey, but healing of the heart doesn't happen overnight. Dismissing our feelings only allows them to build up into a toxic combination of anger, bitterness and sometimes resentment. Take the overwhelming feelings to God. Ultimately, I did find comfort and solace in His arms many times. Any time we lose something, whether it be a loved one, a dream or other thing we hold close, it takes time and God's grace to heal the heart. He never promised no pain or seemingly unbearable circumstances. He promises us His love, grace, mercy and patience to carry us through it all.